How can I help the BP in my life?

TITLE: Problems Coparenting: DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

INTRO: this response to a post (not reprinted here full) was posted on WTOParenting and I received permission to reprint it . For more info go to the WWWsite listed at bottom. The author can and does write more formally, but I really liked his conversational, direct, witty style.

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From: Dedicated Dad <Dedicated_Dad@yahoo.com>

I am in a particularly sarcastic mood today, a hangover from my own similar experiences. Reading your post pissed me off royally, because I have been

(hell, I *AM*) where you are. I can give you no advice on how to get her to be a reasonable person. I can however hopefully give you a good kick-in-the-@$$

dose of reality and help you lose your idealism and figure out where you really are.

That's the starting point for taking charge of an otherwise untenable situation.

Understand that what follows is harsh, maybe even offensive, but it's reality as I see it. I say what I say out of love for you and your kids, and hatred of

any beast, BP-or-otherwise, who would do these things to her kids and their Father.

Concerned father (CF) wrote...

<<...After struggling through a six-month alienation of my children (girls 13, 12 and 6) I am now in a court-ordered co-parenting situation with her...>

!!...WHAT...!!!??

The system actually did something INTELLIGENT for a change??

After recovering consciousness, Alan wants CF to give him much more detail, privately if necessary, about how he accomplished this feat - that information could help MILLIONS of other guys who can't seem to get so lucky. Then he continued to read...

<<...Over the last year there has been continued alienation, dirty tricks, criticism, anger...

Welcome to BPDivorce - otherwise known as hell.

<<...and court order violations...

Documented? Police reports? Contempt petitions filed EVERY SINGLE TIME?? If not, should be. EVERY SINGLE TIME. No exceptions. No excuses. Nail her. EVERY SINGLE TIME. No exceptions. No more "Mr. Nice Guy."

<<...My attorney was able to get a court order for co-parenting classes, but this has not been very productive so far. She has refused to participate

in class, and insults me whenever possible...>>

Have you talked to the instructor? Is s/he willing to testify to these facts? Do you DOCUMENT (journal) EVERY SINGLE TIME this happens? If not, you should.

<<...With tremendous patience, I have made some progress in the last week...

A week's progress from a BP is called a HOOVER. Talk to me in a year.

<<...but I am concerned about her continually reverting to her angry and vindictive behavior...>>

DING!!

<<...I am a novice at this...

Ah, Glasshoppah... It doesn't get any easier.

<<... Does anyone have any advice on how to cope successfully with a BPD in a co-parenting situation?..

Yes... Giving her a one-way ticket to Siberia or some exotic African jungle virus (preferably painfully fatal within 30 seconds of infection) come to mind...

Seriously, the fact is that if she were capable of compromise and putting other people's interests (including the kids) above her own, you'd probably

still be married, right? Did you really think she'd suddenly become an adult when you moved out?

<<...In general, I only seem to get somewhere with her when she gets what she wants...>>

DING!

DING!!

<<...Help!...>

Ok. Enough sarcasm. Here goes...

Document.

Everything.

I am sure you know by now that "he-said-she-said" means SHE WINS.

The system is inherently biased against Fathers.

Period.

When Mom is a BP that can tell the most outrageous lie with all the sincerity of a Juliard actress, you lose.

Every time.

So STOP IT!!

DOCUMENT.

EVERYTHING.

Today it is "your word against hers."

Tomorrow make sure it is "her word against yours and 10,000 pages of documentation."

If I must talk to my BPx I make sure I am recording the conversation. Check with your lawyer, some states this is legal and some it is not. If it is legal,

record her without her knowledge. Let her scream threaten and rave, then play the tapes for the judge.

If it is not legal, then TELL HER you are recording - right up front. You'd be amazed how quickly the BP-Wonder-Bitch'll turn into Sweet Polly Purebread

when she knows she's being recorded.

Get yourself some of those marbled composition books - the kind that the pages are sewn into - and carry one with you wherever you go. If you talk to her, take

notes. Keep track of all your expenses, where you go, what you do, car mileage, etc.

WRITE **EVERYTHING** down.

Well, be careful what you write down - the gory details of your buddy's bachelor party might be a bad idea, but other than that, write everything down.

Keep it FACTUAL - be careful not to show any emotion, just stick to the FACTS.

So you're sitting on the witness stand and you say "she cussed me out in front of the kids." The judge says "When?" You answer "um, some Saturday last

spring, it was like march or April" She says "No I didn't he's making that up."

The judge'll believe her.

Now imagine the same scenario, except this time you say "On Monday February 21, 2000, at 7:04 AM I left home. I stopped on the way at a WaWa Market on

Sycamore Rd. and put $11.42 worth of gas in my car and bought a sticky bun and a root beer - the total was $14.12. My odometer reading was 72,465.

I arrived at her house at 7:19 AM to pick up my daughter for school. I was wearing black pants and a white shirt. My daughter came out wearing a pink

dress. Mommy followed immediately behind her and proceeded to stand in front of my car screaming obscenities until 7:27 at which point she moved so

that I could drive away. We arrived at school at 8:04 because I had to stop on the way to console my daughter - she was crying hysterically because of the

scene she had just witnessed."

The judge says "that's a lot of detail - how can you be so sure?"

"Because I write everything down in my journal."

And your lawyer stands up and says "Your honor, we'd like to offer this journal as Plaintiff's Exhibit 'C' and this cassette tape of their interaction on that

day as plaintiff's exhibit 'D.'"

Whole different ball game.

Again, imagine this...

"I arrived at her house at 7:19 PM to pick up my daughter for our parenting time. I was wearing black pants and a white shirt. My daughter came out wearing

a pink dress. Mommy followed immediately behind her and proceeded to stand in front of my car screaming obscenities until 7:27 at which point she made the

child go back in the house and refused to let her come with me - she was crying hysterically because of the scene she had just witnessed. I called the police and

officer Jones responded at 7:55."

And your lawyer stands up and says "Your honor, we'd like to offer this journal as Plaintiff's Exhibit 'C' this cassette tape of their interaction on that day as

plaintiff's exhibit 'D', and this copy of the police report as plaintiff's exhibit 'E'"

Whole different LEAGUE!!

Document document DOCUMENT.

EVERYTHING.

Don't give up. Eventually the judge will HAVE TO see what is going on.

One more tip - IF you have to talk to her, follow it up with a letter.

"I said...

You said...

We agreed...

IF YOU BELIEVE MY RECOLLECTION OF THESE EVENTS IS

INCORRECT PLEASE NOTIFY ME IN WRITING AS SOON AS

POSSIBLE."

Have the letter mailed by a Notary with a certificate of service on the back - proof you mailed it. IF she doesn't respond in writing then she admitted that your

recollection is accurate.

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT.

Good luck, let me know if I can be of any further aid.

Alan

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Are you tired of the breakdown in the family? Are you sickened by its effects on our children and our society??

You can help force a change in the Family Court System by following this

link.... http://www.deDicAtedDadS.org and signing the petition!!

We *CAN* change this *NOW*!! You can help!! Do it NOW and get others to do the same!!