About Randi

Randi Kreger has brought the concerns of people who have a family member with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) to an international forefront through her best-selling books, informative website, and popular online family support community Welcome to Oz.

 
 

You Didn't Cause It; You Can't Control or Cure It


 

Accept that you cannot make your family member seek treatment

Here is the good news: you have a right to all of your opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Good or bad, right or wrong, they are part of you. They make you who you are.

And here is the bad news: everyone else has a right to their opinions, thoughts and feelings, too. You may not agree with everyone else, and they may not agree with you. But that is OK. It is not your job to convince everyone else to see things your way.

Your job is to know who you are, to act according to your own values and beliefs, and to communicate what you need and want to the people in your life. You can always encourage people to do what you want through subtle or blatant rewards and punishments. But it is still their decision how to act based on a host of factors beyond your control.

Your family member may ask for help or try to alter his or her behavior — but not on your schedule. If they change, it will be in their own time and in their own way. People alter their behavior when they see that the benefits of doing so outweigh the obstacles to change. BPs are no different from anyone else in this regard.

Something you CAN do

There is nothing wrong with wanting to change the BP in your life. You are probably right: they might be a lot happier and your relationship might improve after seeking help for BPD. But in order for you to get off the emotional roller coaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you (and only you) can or should change someone else. When you do that, you will be able to claim the power that is truly yours: the power to change yourself.

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